I have been thinking about the value of keeping one's options open. This could also be thought of as having a Plan B, or perhaps even a Plan C.
I know there are times when this strategy is valuable, but less often than one expects.
Example 1: choosing a career
Children often excel at something. Adults around them ask encouragingly "what do you want to do when you grow up?" and they innocently respond "be a chef / dancer / footballer / ski champion / painter / teacher / writer". The adult considers their choice and warns them of the difficulties in making this a successful career. After this has repeated itself a few times, they either choose to keep quiet about their dream (in which case they re unlikely to get help pursuing this choice), or they often give up, defeated by an avalanche of well-meaning negativity. And most often, they will introduce a Plan B - splitting their focus across their dream occupation and gaining broad academic qualifications. I can see why this happens, but I believe it stops talented children achieving their dreams. To succeed requires absolute focus, and this is not possible when there is a Plan B.
Example 2: relationships
When a couple, married or otherwise, decide to spend their lives together, this is Plan A. Having a Plan B, such as keeping ownership of a second home in case it doesn't work out, using pre-nuptial contracts etc, allows for failure of the relationship. The very existence of any Plan B is enough to remove the impetus behind making Plan A work.
Example 3: dieting/getting fit
When you decide to lose weight and/or get fit, you start off keen. There is only a Plan A. But going to the gym today can give way to going tomorrow (Plan B) or going for a run today becomes Plan B when you try to avoid the rain. And for the dieter, Plan B rears its head when you are faced with a 'special' reason to break the diet today and resume tomorrow: Plan B. It is these instances of acknowledging, and perhaps implementing, Plan B, which ruin your chances of success with Plan A.
Example 4: starting that business... developing that idea...
Perhaps you have an idea: to start a new business, to invent a new product. And perhaps you get as far as making a start, but you keep 'the day job' until you are sure the new idea will take off. How much of a chance are you giving your idea, while your energy and focus is distracted?
For each of these examples, I can certainly understand why people choose to retain their Plan B. But I hope you will see the damage this can cause to Plan A?
What Plan A do you have, which is in peril because of a Plan B?
What can you do to improve your focus on Plan A?
What would it take to ditch Plan B?
"Only one who devotes himself to a cause with his whole strength and soul can be a true master. For this reason mastery demands all of a person." Albert Einstein
Recommendation
Whatever your religion or your views on religion, do you wish to see a more peaceful and compassionate world? I have been profoundly moved and impressed by a speech by Karen Armstrong, launching her wish for the world to have a Charter for Compassion. She made her speech in February 2008 and finally, on 12th November 2009, the charter will be unveiled. It is the product of input by thousands of people, from outside and inside all religions.
Listen to her wonderful speech and more details of her Charter for Compassion, at http://charterforcompassion.org/video#viral.
The essence of it is the golden rule, which lies not only at the heart of the major religions, but was a key teaching of Confucius:
Adept Kung asked: "Is there any one word that could guide a person throughout life?" The Master replied: "How about 'shu' [reciprocity]: never impose on others what you would not choose for yourself?" Analects XV.24, tr. David Hinton
For a description of the role played by the golden rule across many religions, see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ethic_of_reciprocity. There are further videos at http://charterforcompassion.org/learn/talks/, where speakers from different faiths talk about compassion.
"Do all the good you can, By all the means you can, In all the ways you can, In all the places you can, At all the times you can, To all the people you can, As long as ever you can."
John Wesley, English religious leader (1703 - 1791)
This may at first appear to lack connection with my discussion of Plan A and Plan B. But we live in a world where we accept lack of tolerance, violence, selfishness, poverty, war, hatred etc... all the hallmarks of failing to honour the Golden Rule. This is Plan B, which we accept because Plan A is too difficult to live up to. For the sake of humanity and the planet we live on together, Plan B is a luxury we cannot afford. Please do your bit by supporting the Charter for Compassion.
I wish you a very happy November.
I have written before about the benefit of working with others, perhaps as part of your team, or perhaps just as your witnesses (remember my question: What would you still do with enthusiasm, even if there was no one to witness your efforts?)
The Economist recently published research results which indicate that exercising in a group is more effective. Evidence suggests that group members release more endorphins, thus reducing the pain they experience during exercise. See http://www.economist.com/sciencetechnology/displaystory.cfm?story_id=14446710. The article is not conclusive as to how or why this happens, but exercising with someone certainly appears to improve performance.
Science aside, there are countless examples in life that support this idea that we face challenges better when not alone. Think about these:
- quotations such as "a problem shared is a problem halved"
- the support gained in a strong family by sharing challenges with a loved one
- the success of diet support groups where weight-loss success is celebrated (and failure is embarrassing?)
- the tendency of teenage groups (and others... football crowds?) to take greater risks in their behaviour when together
- and conversely, to achieve more together (e.g. Raleigh International)
- the tendency of some people to clean a house more thoroughly when guests are expected
- the ability of people to be brave on behalf of others in their 'team', e.g. as demonstrated during war battles, or a family member rescuing someone drowning, or an old lady single-handedly lifting a car off her trapped grandson!
There are countless examples in society which prove that the presence of others increases our performance. This may be endorphin-related where physical pain is involved, but even without the pain, we seem braver and more committed to tasks when we have witnesses, or better still, co-sufferers... or when we care deeply about them...
However, today in society, many people are isolated. Apparently the number of people who live alone is steadily increasing and certainly numbers of single parents has increased greatly; many people spend hours each day watching TV or in front of a computer; within families, cross-generational integration has decreased; 52 pubs are closing each week; and people are generally too busy to 'pop next door for a cup of tea'.
This raises different questions for each of us, depending on our circumstances. So ask yourself: What are you struggling with at the moment? How might the presence of someone else help you overcome the 'pain'? Who can help you?
The answer may simply be to tell someone you respect what you plan to achieve... once voiced, you will find it more 'painful' to fail, than to commit and follow through. Or your answer may be to enlist others to help in a more tangible manner. Whatever it is, identify something in your life which will be improved by sharing the load and then someone to share the load with.
Coaching
When I started typing this article, I had not made the connection to coaching (duh!), but I now see a direct link. Coaching works partly because it creates an instant team. A coaching client has usually been tackling something alone for a while before they employ a coach, just as a dieter tries alone first, before joining a diet club. Eventually they realise the benefits of sharing their challenge, whether for accountability, encouragement, celebration, sharing of ideas etc.
So, if you have now identified an area of your life where you believe someone else could increase your effectiveness, but have not identified the right person to work with, consider discussing with me, whether I could help as your coach.
Recommendations
1. For an example of people working together to achieve the seemingly impossible, take a look at avaaz.org. This website, which aims to "close the gap between the world we have and the world we want" (see http://www.avaaz.org/en/about.php) has grown hugely in the past two years. Last week, they organised an amazing world event to encourage action over climate change. See https://secure.avaaz.org/en/sept21_hub/?cl=339591677&v=4144 to watch the videos, including one of Gordon Brown being put on the spot when asked to commit to seek change at Copenhagen in December.
2. An unusual one this - don't fall for a current telephone scam, whereby a caller pretends to be from BT and threatens to disconnect your phone line unless you pay money immediately (even if you are not with BT). See http://www.hoax-slayer.com/bt-unpaid-bill-phone-scam.shtml and http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/8264243.stm for more details.
I wish you a very happy October.
I recently discovered a true story which fascinates me and I keep thinking about the questions that it raises. The Washington Post arranged an experiment, in which one of the world's top musicians played, as if busking, in a metro station. He played for 45 minutes and they filmed what happened. More than one thousand people passed close by, but very few, apart from young children, showed any interest. He normally commands $100 tickets per performance and he was playing a Stradivarius violin, but on this occasion, his performance went almost unnoticed. You can read the full, fascinating Pulitzer-winning story at http://tinyurl.com/32a32w and a briefer version at http://tinyurl.com/7czf5n.
I find it intriguing that children were prepared to watch. For many, Bach violin music would not have been compelling, but something about this situation drew their attention. Adults, who might be expected to show a greater appreciation for the skill of the musician, apparently scarcely noticed. Was it just that they were all in a hurry? Was it even that, if not actually busy, it is deemed best to look busy? Or was there perhaps a fear of standing out from a crowd?... did they begrudge the player something perhaps... his freedom? his courage...? What was it that made 1,070 out of 1,097 people ignore this incredible opportunity to experience something so rare?
There are many interpretations, but my interest is centred mainly around what makes us happy. I read a lot about happiness and one of my conclusions is that happiness is not a destination. This is a corny cliché, but I really believe we must find our happiness 'in the journey'. Life is a journey towards death, so it is the journey which we must appreciate. People get obsessed with "I'll be happy when... when I am married, I have children, I have a better job, I have more money, I am retired, I am slim, I own a new car, I have a detached house..." The list is endless, and for each of us, different desires will resonate.
The reality is that, in our quest for what we want tomorrow, we miss out on so much today, through this "I'll be happy when" thinking. Worse still, when we reach 'our destination' and get (say) the new car, then discover that actually it did not bring us the expected happiness, we become more miserable, because now the hope of happiness when we get the new car has gone, leaving a gap to take its place.
Returning to the Washington Post experiment, I believe that this demonstrates how children live 'in the now', continually noticing things around them, whilst adults have trained themselves to switch off from 'now'. Each passer-by had somewhere to get to, and the journey was just an inconvenience to them, despite this being a part of their precious allocation of minutes within their life. Until people learn to look for happiness in every aspect of their day, they are missing out on much that life offers. Happiness is about noticing good things in the mundane activities of every day.
You may not have walked unknowingly past a world-class musician this morning, but what have you ignored so far today? What can you do to incorporate more appreciation for what you have around you, right NOW, instead of focusing mainly on what you are planning to do tomorrow?
"We are always getting ready to live but never living." Ralph Waldo Emerson
Recommendations
1. If you want to take a few minutes out now for something of beauty, click here: http://www.sandfantasy.com/videoclips.htm, select a video, and watch renowned sand animation artist Ilana Yahav at work. You can get a feel for her work in just a few seconds.
2. This short film clip makes me laugh - watch http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WXStPqhLmIk as comedian Louis C.K. describes how 'every is amazing and no one is happy'... how we have progressed, e.g. since the days of the primitive 'rotary phone', when we hated people with zeroes in their phone number!
3. If you know young drivers, or indeed anyone who might be tempted to send text messages whilst driving, send them this link:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/wales/8203120.stm. You might just save lives.
I wish you a very happy September.
Thank you to all who responded to my request for feedback. As a result, I will continue with the monthly format, instead of a blog replacement.
Compelling Motivation - what is 'your why'?
I am growing to understand more deeply, how important motivation is, in terms of achieving a goal. If you do not have a compelling personal reason to do something, you may not have the commitment that is required to persevere.
Consider these examples:
a) Many people 'try' to lose weight, but fail. (Note the word 'try', which implies accepting failure.) What is their 'compelling motivation'? Without a strong imperative, dieting seldom works long-term.The most successful dieters probably have powerful reasons to lose weight, such as for life/death health reasons, or perhaps for their own wedding!
b) Similarly, stopping smoking often becomes more achievable when a doctor says you must do so... and the same applies to drinking alcohol. Only after being confronted with probable early death do some people take serious efforts to adopt healthier habits.
c) I have read stories of fragile women lifting cars, when someone they love is trapped under the wheels - temporary super-human strength fuelled by love.
d) There are similar stories of bravery, such as someone cutting off his own arm with a penknife in order to escape when trapped. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aron_Ralston)
e) When my mother was dying, I drove 3-4 hours most days to visit her. I can think of nothing else in the world that would motivate me to drive this distance each day, other than a family crisis. This was my compelling motivation.
f) A parent will sacrifice much for their child... sleep, income, career, leisure, time for self, comfort... even food... even their own health (e.g. kidney donation). For most parents, their children are their compelling motivation. They do not just give up one day because it feels too difficult.
g) I once heard a speaker comment that he had finally got fit and lost weight after his young daughter prodded his stomach and asked "Daddy, will you last?". Seeing her grow up to have children provided his compelling motivation.
So, now consider your own goals. On a scale of 1-10 (where 10 is top), how compelling is your why? What impact is this having on your current progress?
If your answer is lower than 8, look at each goal and ask yourself:
"What makes this goal meaningful for me?"
"How closely is this goal aligned to my personal core values?"
Often, our most compelling goals are either aligned closely to our values, or they are on behalf of someone we love.
If your goal is connected to making more money, consider what money gives you... money alone is seldom a compelling driver, but what it means for you is. So what impact will money have on your life? When you understand this (e.g. early retirement, university fees for children, expensive health care etc.), you have your compelling reason.
Consider your own goals again. What would you be prepared to sacrifice for the achievement of each goal? Whatever your answer, what does this tell you? If your goal is not sufficiently compelling, what can you do to raise its meaning for you? Or should you let it go?
It is only when something has deep meaning for us that we are prepared to dedicate ourselves to it. What do you really, really want? What is your ultimate why? What will be the impact of achieving this? What would be the impact of not doing so?
"He who has a strong enough why can bear almost any how." Friedrich Nietzsche
Recommendations
1. If you have a task to do and are lacking compelling motivation, you may find this chart amusing: http://tinyurl.com/6qu9wn.
2. And if you want to actually get yourself distracted, try this word game at http://www.wordtwist.org/init.php.
3. I will mention my blog here... it is not very active, and I use it for more personal reflections, but in case of interest, please see http://ambitioncoach.blogspot.com/.
I wish you a very happy August.
"Many people die with their music still in them. Too often it is because they are always getting ready to live... Before they know it, time runs out." Oliver Wendell Holmes
As sad as Michael Jackson's death was, no one could accuse him of going to his grave with his music unsung. From an early age, he knew what he wanted to be and do in his life and he set about achieving it. Whatever one thinks of him, few would question his dedication to what he saw as his purpose. Dying at 50 is untimely, but he packed more into his 50 years than many people manage, in their higher allocation of time. And although one could argue that he had an abundance of talent and luck, one could equally argue that he took huge risks, such as going alone, when he had a safe place as one of the Jackson 5. He had a vision and he took action to achieve it.
How old are you now? Do you know what 'your music' is? Is it still inside you? What action have you taken so far towards getting 'your music' out? What is stopping you? What could you do today?
The first question is easy. I am sure you know how old you are. The more important, yet unanswerable, question is: how much more time have you? When will it be too late for you to 'sing your music'?
But what is your own 'music'? What do you know, deep down, that you want to do? Who do you want to be? What would you like people to describe you as, at your funeral? Who would you like to be remembered as?
I hope you can answer these questions, but many people cannot. Some people live as the quote above suggests - always believing they can start their 'real life' tomorrow. Others know this is not a rehearsal and they take daily action towards one or more goals which they feel passionate about. Are you still rehearsing? Or are you taking daily action?
Researching the quotes of Oliver Wendell Holmes, I found other variations on a similar theme:
"The truly great tragedy is the destruction of our human resources by our failure to fully utilize our abilities, which means that most men and women go to their graves with their music still in them."
"I find the great thing in this world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving: To reach the port of heaven, we must sail sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it, but we must sail, and not drift, nor lie at anchor."
"When in doubt, do it."
This man clearly understood that we all have things to do, but many fail to get started. If you are one of these, please identify what is stopping you? Where are you stuck? Is it that you are yet to identify your music? Or perhaps you have a feeling that you know it, but it scares you? Do you question your ability or your worthiness? Have you tried and failed? How many times? Do you understand yet that time really will run out?
Maybe you aren't destined to be a Michael Jackson, but you do have your own destiny. However, it won't happen by default; it needs action from you.
What is your next step?
If you do not know, perhaps I can help... please call me to discuss this.
Recommendations
1. Following my theme above, have you come across Robin Sharma? He is one of the world's leading experts on leadership and personal development. In a ranking of 30 top guru's in the leadership arena, Robin was voted #2 globally. (See http://www.leadershipgurus.net/.) Coaching Interactive has now released an innovative online self-coaching programme featuring Robin Sharma, based on his international bestseller, Leadership Wisdom from the Monk Who Sold His Ferrari. He teaches that the key to achieving sustained success is by demonstrating leadership behavior regardless of your position or title. This online programme is infinitely better than reading a book. I worked it recently and loved his style and his message - it is for all of us, not just business leaders and at just $27, I thoroughly recommend it. See http://tinyurl.com/le2me5 for more details.
To see him in action, free, go to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6x1ddBJ3kiY. This snippet features him describing a Sanskrit poem which talks of how "...the song I meant to sing remains unsung..." You only need to listen to the first minute to be inspired by him.
2. It is unusual for me to recommend fellow local businesses, but this month I have two:
- How many companies start up within 10 miles of you? Would you like to market your message to these companies before anyone else? See www.newstartdata.co.uk.
- If I found myself pregnant now, given my age and circumstances, I suspect my husband would give birth to kittens! So, I am unlikely to need a midwife. But if you know anyone who does, I recently met Valerie Gommon, who offers a wonderful-sounding independent midwifery practice. If useful for you or a friend, see www.3shiresmidwife.co.uk and www.birthindex.co.uk for details.
3. A reminder from last month: If you live in the Northants area, you can see motivational speaker David Hyner on 7th July - see http://www.toptipsmasterclass.co.uk/ for details. Let me know if you book, as I'll be there too.
Finally, a request: I have been writing these newsletters for over 5 years! Feedback is always welcome and at the moment, I would love to know what changes you might like to see, e.g. would you prefer short blog entries instead of the longer monthly format?
I wish you a very happy July.
When I started life coaching, I chose the name Ambition Coaching with the belief that we all have different aspirations and that we often give these too little consideration throughout life. I wanted to help and encourage people to focus more on considering what they wanted and then on how to take action to change things so they could get to where they wanted; i.e. to avoid regrets later on for life 'tolerated'.
Now, my own experiences, combined with years of studying in the personal development arena have convinced me that most (all?) of us seek the same: happiness. And whereas once I might have said there were infinite definitions of what brings happiness, I now see this more simply. Happiness is deemed a complex subject... professors of positive psychology research it for years and there are many books about it. However, there are some basic components to a happy life and I'll cover some key ones here.
I used to think that to be happy was the opposite of being sad. Then my mother died and I learnt that despite the sadness, I could still have happy times; that these are not mutually exclusive. In fact, life for most will inevitably contain many sad moments, but this does not prevent it being a 'happy life'. Perhaps a definition of a happy life is one where the sheer joy of being alive is regularly felt?
Here is my summary of factors which help us to experience this joyful feeling:-
- Be social: laugh with friends and loved ones; be kind to others and enjoy seeing them happy; work with others towards a common cause which has meaning for you; spend less time with the tv and more time interacting with real people!
- Know your own values... and then honour these: Gain awareness of what matters most to you and live with this in mind... find work which is meaningful, which you can feel passionate about... be authentically you, rather than living according to someone else's 'shoulds'. When you find someone to love, let them see the real you, rather than the you that you think they wish to see. Feel the joy of being loved for being 'true to you'.
- Focus on the quality of each day, not on the quantity of your days: You have little control over the 'quantity of your life', but you have much more control over the quality of each day. Wake up determined to live each day with joy. Be grateful each day for the things which bring you joy. Slow down enough to notice them! Notice simple pleasures e.g. for me in recent days: driving past Kelmarsh Hall and admiring the rhododendrons, picking the first crop of sweet peas (which I have grown from seed for the first time), cooking with my husband, hearing birds singing in the sunshine and countless other small joys.
Do you know what your simple pleasures are?
Do you build these into your daily life?
What can you do to improve the quality of your daily life right now?
Notice I've not mentioned goal setting. Not that I don't believe in goal setting, but it is important that your goals are meaningful, so that achieving them brings lasting happiness. And it is important that you enjoy each day as you work towards your goals, i.e. enjoy the journey as well as the destination. Otherwise, if you fail to enjoy the journey, you may feel let down when you reach your destination and discover that your high doesn't last forever. (Remember the research which indicates that even winning the lottery only temporarily raises happiness.)
I have heard people describe our time alive broken down into years spent sleeping, eating, bathing, working, cleaning, commuting etc - with a small amount left... which they then entreat us to make the most of. But I would argue that it is these basic activities of life - the eating, cleaning etc, which we must find our happiness in - the small steps which constitute our journey of life each day.
"There are two ways to live your life. One as though nothing is a miracle. The other as if everything is a miracle. I choose the latter." Albert Einstein
You can find statistics on http://www.statistics.gov.uk/cci/nugget.asp?id=7. Perhaps now make your own list and ask yourself for each item: how much happiness does this activity bring me each day? On a scale of 1-10, aim for at least a 7 against everything! What can you do to raise your scores?
If you want some 'happiness coaching', or perhaps to work on identifying your values, please contact me to chat about whether we could work together.
"I believe that the very purpose of our life is to seek happiness." The Dalai Lama (in The Art of Happiness)
Recommendations
1. I love sponsoring people (having experienced the challenge of requesting sponsorship myself), but I usually stick to people I know. I made an exception recently when I heard an interview with Sarah Outen, who is solo-rowing the Indian Ocean. She was then roughly half-way, and 51 days into her trip and I was impressed by her courage and strength. Read about her trip at http://www.sarahouten.co.uk/ - dipping into her blog makes fascinating reading. And if you care about her cause (arthritis), perhaps consider sponsoring her yourself!
2. Curiously I just discovered this video - on a theme similar to this newsletter... see http://www.smileandmove.com/video/index.aspx.
3. A reminder from last month: If you live in the Northants area, you can see motivational speaker David Hyner on 7th July - see http://www.toptipsmasterclass.co.uk/ for details. Let me know if you book, as I'll be there too.
I wish you a very happy June.
Responsibility for reactions
Last month, my newsletter could not go out on schedule because my website host software was not working. This month, a new inconvenience... for several hours last Friday afternoon, our lights flickered violently, whilst the phone line crackled, my uninterruptible power supply clicked ominously and my router re-booted itself every few minutes. By evening, a permanent power cut was under way and at some stage we discovered that no one else was affected i.e. this was not an assumed follow-on from local power cuts the previous day, just our house with a challenge.
The engineer who diagnosed excavation was expecting an angry reaction from myself and my husband, but for us, this was not a real crisis. Certainly, a lack of electricity has its challenges, but no one was dying. And with no children to feed or entertain, and a belief in the electricity distribution company, whose service was exceptional, I knew it would get sorted and that life would go on.
That night, they dug down five feet and found a cable. Next morning they followed it to the dodgy connector, and fixed it by lunchtime. Within a few days, our drive was reinstated and there was no sign we had been troubled. At all times, we were kept fully informed of progress - the service from everyone (and we had dealings with a total of at least 18 people!) was excellent.
The interesting aspect for me has been the number of people who have commiserated with me, as if this was a life crisis. But really, this was just an irritation - something I would have preferred to avoid, but which will be forgotten within days, with no lasting damage.
There were lessons here:
- The level of concern from those in customer service, and from the diggers, engineers and everyone involved, made us feel cared for - they took responsibility, so we trusted them to resolve it for us.
- However, the big lesson was the reminder that we are all responsible for our response. We may have no control over events, but our reaction to them is entirely ours to choose. Our choice was laughter and patience, resulting in a relaxing experience rather than a stressful one.
What aspect of your life right now would benefit from a little patience and laughter?
Responsibility for action
I came across this quote and I love it:
"It often happens that I wake up at night and begin to think about a serious problem and decide... 'I must tell the Pope about it.' Then I wake up completely and remember that I am the Pope." Pope John XXIII
It highlights how we are all tempted to delegate responsibility to others - often for aspects of our lives which should be entirely our own to deal with. And then something steps in to remind us that, ultimately, there are things which we must do for ourselves.
There is a strong temptation to consider the thoughts of others too often. This may seem innocent, but it can lead to an unhappy existence, where we lack belief in ourselves. Sometimes this results in blaming others:
- for things we tolerate
- for decisions we made
- for not supporting us
- for things we did or did not do
- for making us feel a certain way?
But actually, we should always recognise our own control in these things. And sometimes, we base our choices on what we think others would like, or approve of - how we dress, how we look, the job we do?
The Pope has to trust his instincts and follow his path. So must we.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt
If any of this resonates for you, consider: what might you do if you cared less about the opinions of others and thus took full responsibility for your own actions? What might you change if no one was watching?
Recommendations
1. You may have already seen this, but if not - the Prince's Rainforests Project deserves our support... did you realise that deforestation releases more carbon dioxide into the atmosphere than all of the world's cars, ships and planes put together? See the superb video at http://www.rainforestsos.org/, and add your support if you agree.
2. You may remember that I ride a bicycle. Sadly, not like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z19zFlPah-o. Please trust me and take a look - this is inspirational!
3. If you live in the area, I am told that David Hyner is a wonderfully motivational speaker. You can see him in July in Northants - see http://www.toptipsmasterclass.co.uk/ for details. Let me know if you book, as I'll be there too.
4. I have just discovered this website: http://www.wisdombook.org/. I have not yet bought the book, but the wisdom imparted in the trailer and in the 'How it was made' sections indicate that great wisdom has been imparted by the 'elders of the globe'. I love the quality of the photographs, with the beautiful wrinkles and 'wear and tear' shown clearly in their faces!
Finally, a big thank you to all those who voted for me in the Britain's Next Top Coach competition. I didn't make the final 12, so I will be watching all of their progress in the semi-finals. Their new videos should be available next week at http://www.britainsnexttopcoach.tv/.
I wish you a very happy May.
Sorry this is late this month. The newsletter software that I use (1and1.co.uk) became unavailable last Wednesday for several days!
Reminder re Britain's Next Top Coach competition: If you have already voted for me, thank you so much! If you plan to consider voting for me, please note that voting ends on 9th April. You can view my coaching tip at http://tinyurl.com/jacky1. All support is hugely appreciated!
Happy Relationships
I feel privileged. This past month, I have been celebrating my 20th wedding anniversary and it has felt amazing. We planned a wonderful holiday, returning to New Zealand, where we had spent part of our honeymoon. There were lots of reasons not to go, but you never know what the future holds and there is a lovely quotation by someone: "never economise on tomorrow's memories", so we went. Everything was perfect. We saw incredible scenery, had exciting experiences and even the weather was kind to us.
But most amazing was how it FELT. I have been grateful for my marriage for all of the past 20 years. I knew we had reached a special milestone, one that many people do not enjoy, but I was unprepared for just how good it would feel. I am still floating on a little cloud of happiness, wondering what I ever did to deserve this. To be honest, we could have skipped the trip and it would still have FELT as good.
People sometimes ask me about what makes a relationship strong. Surely, every person embarking on a partnership intends that it last forever? What goes wrong? What goes right? How much control does each person have individually?
People talk about aspects such as mutual respect, not taking each other for granted, regular communication, common interests, and these do all sound like logical components of a happy relationship. And people say things like "it takes two to tango", implying that one person alone has little control; or "you have to work at it", implying something slightly unpleasant or complicated.
I have pondered this for 20 years and I have a few theories, probably incomplete and inadequate but here they are... this newsletter is my draft menu for a strong and happy relationship between two human beings. I say draft 'menu', because it is not much more than an incomplete list of elements... I lack space here to explore them thoroughly, so perhaps future newsletters can contain 'recipes' for some of these 'menu items'.
1. Nurture: This word sums up my best tip. The dictionary defines nurture as: to feed, to nourish, to cultivate, to protect, to help grow... Every one of these words is relevant. Nurture sums it up well and it sounds much more fun than hard work.
2. Kindness: I have concluded that kindness matters even more than love. Love without kindness lacks depth. It may sound unlikely, but I have seen so many people who claim to love each other but who fail to be kind to each other. Love can be selfish, but kindness is generous. There is a temptation with love to think "I will love you if you love me", but there is less temptation to view kindness in this conditional manner."Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless." Mother Teresa
3. Gratitude: I'll not dwell on this one today. You probably know how highly I prize gratitude at every level in life. (If not, take a look at my competition coaching tip!) My relationship is something I express daily gratitude for and this appears to make it grow... they do say that what you focus on grows. This is a variant on 'not taking each other for granted', but it is stronger, more pro-active.
4. Commitment: By this I mean absolute commitment. When I got married, I made a decision, one I considered to be totally binding - no get-out clause, no insurance policy, no pre-nuptial agreements. A decision for the rest of my life. People say "fine, but it needs both of you to do this" and maybe this is true, but I believe that if one of you LIVES this decision, the other can be drawn into it. The prize becomes so valuable that neither of you is prepared to consider the alternative. This means that every potential disagreement is solved before it starts, by virtue of considering 'what serves the relationship best?', instead of 'what serves me best?'. Decisions become much easier in the light of this question. And if this question fails, use 'what would love do?'
Between them, these two questions can stop all arguments. No matter how upset you are by your partner's behaviour, a calm analysis of these questions, together with renewed awareness that you are in this for life, leads to a wiser course of action than might otherwise be taken. I do not mean that we must accept behaviour that makes us unhappy, but that we find more productive ways of dealing with such issues, such as calm discussion, rather than sulking, silence, loud rows, storming off etc... "Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own." Robert Heinlein
5. Admiration: This is an extension of 'respect'. If you admire your partner, you are less likely to indulge in competing with them and less likely to be embarrassed by them. Surprisingly, so many couples spend time competing with each other and putting each other down, sniping at each other, gradually eroding the foundations of their love.
6. Falling in love involves the development of what I call 'fun habits and traditions'. Maintaining love requires a continuation of some of these habits. An example would be my husband and I always kissing when we encounter kissing gates or stiles, whilst out walking. This amuses our friends, but I believe that small traditions like this add support to the foundations. Perhaps these are what keep the romance alive? "Love doesn't just sit there, like a stone, it has to be made, like bread, re-made all the time, made new." Ursula K. Le Guin
Reading my list above, I know you could accuse me of leaving important elements out. What about honesty I can hear you ask? But, all these are encompassed in one word: nurture. If you cherish a relationship, it deserves nurturing. Just as a plant will wither and perhaps die if you neglect to supply light and water, love will wither and die without appropriate acts of nurture."We've got this gift of love, but love is like a precious plant. You can't just accept it and leave it in the cupboard or just think it's going to get on by itself. You've got to keep watering it. You've got to really look after it and nurture it." John Lennon
Relationships are such an important element of life and I imagine we all have our own theories about what makes them work well and what makes them last.
What are yours? Would you be willing to share these with me? What does nurture mean to you?
Recommendations
1. As requested before, please support Britain's Next Top Coach competition. There are 57 inspirational coaching tip videos there, by British life coaches. There are also an additional set of longer, exclusive videos by famous authors and speakers, such as Neale Donald Walsch, Doreen Virtue, Pete Cohen and many more. To go straight to my tip, click here http://www.britainsnexttopcoach.tv/contestants/jacky-pratt/my-coaching-tip.
2. A friend of mine runs an event for singles in central London, which might be of interest to you or someone you know: "...Bring your single friends along and we all get to meet new friends. This time we are meeting at Verve bar on Saturday 4th April at 7.30pm. Food is available if you'd like to eat once there. See www.verve-bar.co.uk and please let me know if you plan to attend, so that I can book an area for us within the bar. Email amandalincoln@btinternet.com."
I wish you a very happy April.
I often write about how much can be achieved by those who believe and persevere. Here are quick stories that substantiate this:
Lincoln's road to the White House
I am grateful for this item to: Twitter, through which I found: Laura Koehne (http://www.thriveagainstthegrain.com/) who wrote about a blog by: John Fenzel (http://tinyurl.com/bmoepc). (My initial sceptical views re Twitter have proved to be wrong.)
Lincoln's road to the White House:
- Failed in business in 1831
- Defeated for Legislature in 1832
- Second failure in business in 1833
- Suffered nervous breakdown in 1836
- Defeated for Speaker in 1838
- Defeated for Elector in 1840
- Defeated for Congress in 1843
- Defeated for Congress in 1848
- Defeated for Senate in 1855
- Defeated for Vice President in 1856
- Defeated for Senate in 1858
- Elected President in 1860
Don't be defeated by defeat!
"Things may come to those who wait. But only the things left by those who hustle." Abraham Lincoln
Team Hoyt
This is astonishing. Rick Hoyt's birth cut off oxygen to his brain. He cannot walk or talk. His rather, Dick Hoyt, participates with him in marathons, triathlons and even ironman challenges. He pushes Rick's wheelchair when running, cycles a bike adapted to also carry Rick and he pulls him along whilst swimming. See an inspirational video of them competing here: http://tinyurl.com/39buxo. For a detailed story, see http://www.teamhoyt.com/history.shtml.
A Blue Peter success story
Anthony Hollander wrote to Blue Peter when he was nine, about his ideas for keeping people alive. To their credit, they wrote back to him with encouragement. He failed to get the grades needed for medical school, but he found a way to enter the field of medicine. And in 2008, now Professor Hollander, he helped save the life of a woman in ground-breaking surgery, when he was involved in making a new windpipe from her own stem cells. See: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/7845518.stm.
This story struck me powerfully, since I so often hear about 'lost dreams' -dreams from childhood, which were discouraged and therefore forgotten about.
(Thanks to Clare of Butterfield Marketing http://www.butterfieldmarketing.com/ for this story.)
Recommendations
1. This newsletter is always about living your best life - being ambitious to be who you want to be. Sometimes this covers elements related to fulfilling your own potential. I generally avoid selling within these newsletters, but I am delighted to be able to introduce you to three new online coaching programmes, which may be helpful to you or to people you care about.
Deepak Chopra: 'The Seven Laws of Success'
Have you come across Deepak Chopra's book 'The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success'? Have you read it? Perhaps I should also ask: "Did you understand it well and make use of the wisdom it contains?"
I read this book some years ago and I loved the laws it explains, which could also be described as laws of nature. But I found it hard to absorb. Whilst reading it, I was enriched, but this faded when I put the book down. Whether you love the book, struggle with it, or perhaps have not come across it yet, there is a new online coaching programme, which consolidates its messages with renewed appeal, through visual and interactive elements.
The programme includes 'The Seven Spiritual Laws of Yoga', in conjunction with Dr. David Simon. Videos guide you through daily practice of sun salutations and there are guided audio meditations. This combination provides an in-depth and appealing way to master Chopra's seven laws, integrated with meditation and yoga - a great introduction if you have not tried these practices. You also have the ability to add and update notes, so that a log of your progress develops.
The goal of the programme is to help you achieve your own true potential, with ease rather than struggle. If you are familiar with seeking fulfilment, achieving dreams... whatever your definition of success is, this programme will help to support you. It is structured such that you could do a little each day, but if this is too much, you could also dip in less frequently.
Follow this link: http://tinyurl.com/cs67sr, where you can watch a short video of Deepak Chopra introducing his programme. See if he tempts you with his invitation to "Join us and feel the universe's power at your service".
As an example of how the laws are brought to life: Chopra talks about the law of detachment... 'acquiring, by relinquishing attachment'. This sounds complex until he explains it as basically 'journey, not destination'. He suggests that a gardener sows seeds and waters them but does not dig them up each day to check up on them! And that if we focus only on the other side of the road whilst crossing, we may stumble.
Robin Sharma: Leadership for Everyone
Robin Sharma wrote a best-selling book on leadership wisdom, called 'The monk who sold his Ferrari'. His new online programme is based on this - more details, including a demonstration video, are available at http://tinyurl.com/ansjvt.
Byron Katie: The Work
The third programme is for people who are feeling hurt, by someone or something. It is a process of inquiry which takes you through questions which lead to clarity and peace. It can be used to alleviate stress and depression and to improve relationships. See http://thework.com/thework.asp for more details of the process and go to http://tinyurl.com/c9tl7u to read about the online programme.
Note
The links above are affiliate links and I confess that I have not yet experienced Robin Sharma's programme. However, I have worked through Deepak Chopra's programme a number of times myself and really enjoyed it. Byron Katie's programme is based on her book, which I have read... good, but less useful to me personally.
2. Here is a cheering tale of an elephant becoming firm friends with a dog! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cBtFTF2ii7U.
I wish you a very happy March.
At a recent networking event, I was encouraged by the number of people who said that they refuse to let the current bad economic news get them down. One by one they declared to the room that words like 'credit crunch' are banned in their businesses and in their homes. They are simply refusing to take part in the doom and gloom. I know that participation may be forced upon some people, but many of us will survive relatively unscathed, and we would do well to stay as positive and cheerful as we can.
There is a surprisingly simple way to achieve this, which costs nothing and takes up very little time (and I don't mean stop paying attention to the news!).
Scientific research in the USA has determined that daily gratitude exercises have a positive impact on health and happiness. People who practise gratitude each day reported higher levels of optimism and energy, improved sleep, and reduced depression and stress. Daily gratitude leads to people taking more regular exercise and to making greater progress towards achieving goals. Grateful people are seen by others as more generous and more helpful and apparently they are also more likely to feel loved! These are impressive and compelling results (more details are at http://psychology.ucdavis.edu/labs/emmons/).
We all know that two people can experience identical events and yet both react differently - one being overwhelmed by the mounting obstacles and the other remaining cheerful. Why is this? Well, a lot has to do with perspective. If we feel unlucky and like a victim, we react accordingly, taking our mood out on others, judging people harshly, jumping to conclusions, comfort eating, and a multitude of other 'toxic habits'. But if we feel lucky and grateful each day, we are likely to remain cheerful.
So what can you do?
1. One way is to keep a gratitude journal... spend a few minutes writing down five things that you are grateful for each day, perhaps before going to sleep. This may sound curious, but many of my clients have vouched for it working, especially when they are dealing with major challenges.
Perhaps you already write down things you feel grateful for each day? If not, try it out. Make a diary reminder to do it each day, until a habit has developed.
2. Another way, possibly even more effective, is to voice your gratitude out loud, with other people. I attend a regular business meeting, during which we do 'rounds of gratitude'. This means taking it in turns to express our gratitude out loud... for things both big and small. It may sound weird, but I encourage you to try it out... there is a real magic to this process, hearing other people voice their gratitude, sometimes for things you have previously taken for granted.
Have a go at completing the sentence: "I am truly happy and grateful for..." Personal examples for me would include gratitude for: the love in my life, the books which I learn from, the beautiful world around me, the strength and health of my body, high quality chocolate, fresh water, and for laughter with friends and family.
So, now think: What are you grateful for, right now?
Who could you discuss and share this with? Perhaps with one special person in your life, or with friends, colleagues, or like me, with a mastermind group - people dedicated to each others' success and happiness.
Resilience
Another benefit of daily gratitude is that, if problems arise for you, your gratitude habit will make you more resilient and more able to cope. Seeing even tiny silver linings in black clouds helps us to cope with those clouds.
So, my challenge to you now is: Try it out; make gratitude a 'way of being' for you.
Recommendations
1. I wonder - did you perhaps express thanks a moment ago for your body? For your arms or your legs? Imagine being born without either. You might have already seen this video, as it has been doing the rounds, but if not, please do watch Nick Vujicic here: http://www.maniacworld.com/are-you-going-to-finish-strong.html and then visit his website to read more about him, at http://www.attitudeisaltitude.com/index.php.
2. And then, having watched Nick, who was born with no arms or legs, perhaps also watch Ali Abbas at http://tinyurl.com/cmpo98, talking about his life since losing his arms, when his home was hit by a missile four years ago in Iraq.
We may be in for a tough 2009, but few of us will lose this much. If he can be so positive, so can we.
I wish you a very happy February.
Last month I wrote about Benjamin Zander and his recommendation to 'radiate possibility', but I neglected to tell you about his 'rule number six'. Rule number six is actually simple, but not always easy: 'do not take yourself so seriously'.
"Laugh at yourself for man is most comical when he takes himself too seriously." Og Mandino
The world I inhabit, of life coaching and personal development, encourages us to take ourselves very seriously indeed... We analyse ourselves, seek self-awareness, find ways to enhance our self-esteem etc, so it is all too easy to take oneself rather too seriously.
And for those outside this little world of mine, success is often defined such that people also take themselves very seriously... the important things are thought to be rising up within a career, making a lot of money, having a fine home, taking grand holidays... so taking risks and making mistakes is not generally accepted practice for someone who takes themselves very seriously.
Perhaps we take ourselves too seriously when we seek to live as close to perfection as possible. The challenge is that the definition of perfection is perhaps not what we might choose if there were no external influences on us. It is what we perceive to be perfection according to the eyes of others, or according to the norms of our age/culture. It is perhaps only when we are close to death that we recognise what we should have taken more, or less, seriously.
What tells us we may be taking ourself too seriously?
Many of us do this some of the time. See if you recognise any of these symptoms:
- getting irritated by people in front of you e.g. anywhere where you need to take your turn, preferably patiently, but you lack patience
- getting angry frequently
- believing that you are right and others are wrong e.g. feeling put out because someone has indicated that they do not agree with you
- believing that something is 'just not fair'
- inflating problems beyond their importance
- agonising over what someone else thinks of youWhat is wrong with taking oneself too seriously?
To be blunt, it makes us boring to be with and ultimately it will make us ill. And it doesn't make us happy (see the hidden benefit, below).
"All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy, and Jill a wealthy widow." Unknown
If you notice people being: impatient, angry, indignant, whining, self-important, lacking the ability to laugh at themselves and/or defensive, are they fun to be with?
Of course, some people hide it well, but they may be suppressing feelings such as being offended or insulted. And the stress these feelings and behaviours cause for them may ultimately make them ill.
When we take ourselves seriously, our ego is taking a stronger hold. And if you have read anything about ego, you'll know that it is not something to encourage!
When I started coach training, I became rather too serious. I actually went through a period of slightly disapproving of my husband's annual New Year's Resolution: 'to have fun'. I thought that he should have a 'higher goal'. But I now thank him for teaching me to value fun in my life and I am learning to take myself less seriously than I used to.
Ask yourself: "Where in my life might I be taking myself a little too seriously?" and "What impact might this be having?"
What are the remedies?
If you wish to take yourself less seriously, you actually just need to decide to do so. By deciding to lighten up, it instantly becomes easier. I have written before about the power of decision and I often have this validated in my own life. Make a decision and then live it... a little like Gandhi's recommendation to 'be the change you wish to see'.
Circumstances always have a multitude of different perspectives. When you get angry, irritated, disappointed in yourself etc, you are seeing the situation from one perspective only. Someone else might view what has occurred as funny, or as a great learning opportunity. They might seek, and find, a silver lining in their cloud. They might recognise that, although the problem seems big today, it will be forgotten next month, or that it is tiny compared to the trauma that a friend may be facing. And if they have been offended or upset by someone, they attempt to put themselves in that person's shoes and understand what drove their behaviour, thus making it easier to shrug off and to take less personally. New perspectives can always change how you feel about things.
The hidden benefit
This new less-serious you will also become a happier you. Even the Dalai Lama says that the purpose of life is to be happy. He then explains that, in his view, in order to be happy, we must develop compassion for others. I suggest that it is not possible to live focussing on being compassionate whilst also taking oneself too seriously.
Laugh at yourself more and be kinder to others and see how much better you feel!
If you take yourself less seriously, you also have a lower expectation that life 'should be fair'. It isn't, and the happiest people are those who stop seeking fairness and learn to make the best of everything, rather than expect the best of everything. Life is always presenting us with things to worry about and we need to take them in our stride and understand that this is a fundamental part of being alive.
So next time you are feeling aggrieved about something, ask yourself how you can laugh about it, or what might be the good to come from it one day? Look for new, less serious, perspectives and live lightly.
What new fun thing will you do in January?
"Laugh and your life will be lengthened for this is the great secret of long life." Og Mandino
Recommendations
1. If you are curious about how life coaching might benefit you, please get in touch. I am offering four sessions for the price of three for anyone booking before 10th January. (e.g. Four hours of telephone coaching for £170.) This would be a great boost for ensuring that 2009 gets off to a good start for you.
2. Apologies for a bad link last month... I mentioned a FranklinCovey short film on Creating Greatness i.e. seeing potential in people and inspiring them to develop it. The correct link is: http://web-dev.franklincovey.co.uk/cc_creatinggreatness.htm.
3. There is a wonderful article by the Dalai Lama on compassion and its role in finding happiness at http://www.dalailama.com/page.166.htm.
I wish you a very happy 2009.
Jacky Pratt
Professional life coaching, relationship coaching, career coaching, executive coaching, business coaching, email coaching
Kettering and Northampton, Northants, UK
Copyright © 2004,2005,2006,2007,2008,2009,2010,2011 Jacky Pratt, Ambition Coaching Ltd
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